There’s a silent ache that words can hardly touch.
You’re married but feel utterly alone.
You’re sharing a home but not a heart.
You’re doing life side by side but the connection feels absent, cold, or even nonexistent.
If your husband has emotionally gone missing in your marriage, and if you find yourself carrying the weight of the relationship on your own, you are not crazy. And you are not alone.
I know this pain personally.
Ray and I walked through a long season where his body was present, but his heart was distant. There were no affairs, no obvious betrayals just a slow, aching absence. A starvation of intimacy that left me questioning my worth, my role, and even my faith at times.
What we didn’t know at first but later came to understand is that this was Intimacy Anorexia.
Intimacy Anorexia is a condition where one spouse actively withholds emotional, spiritual, and often physical intimacy. It’s marked by blame, busyness, criticism, withholding love, and living like a roommate instead of a partner. It can feel like your husband has gone MIA in the areas that matter most.
What it feels like:
• You crave affection, but receive coldness.
• You initiate deep conversations, but he deflects or shuts down.
• You ask for time together, but he’s always “too busy.”
• You’re starving for emotional connection, and he seems unaware or unwilling to meet that need.
Here’s what I want you to hear today:
You are not the problem.
Your longing for intimacy is not a weakness it’s a God-designed need.
And most of all, there is hope even if right now you can’t see it.
For years, I tried to fix it by being more patient, more understanding, more forgiving. I prayed, cried, journaled, and questioned. And yet nothing changed until we named it. Until we brought Intimacy Anorexia into the light.
Healing didn’t happen overnight. Ray had to confront hard truths and do his own work. I had to set boundaries, speak honestly, and choose not to carry what wasn’t mine to carry. It took courage. It took faith. It took outside help. But I’m here to tell you it is possible.
If your husband has gone MIA due to IA, here are a few gentle truths:
1. You are not invisible to God. He sees your tears and your efforts. He knows the weight you carry.
2. You do not have to settle for survival. You were created for connection, not for a one-sided relationship.
3. You can take steps toward healing, even if he isn’t ready yet. You can get support. You can speak the truth. You can start to rediscover you.
4. You are not alone. There are others who have walked this painful path and found redemption on the other side.
If this resonates with you, I want you to know we see you. Ray and I now coach couples through these very struggles. Not from a place of perfection but from a place of victory that came through brokenness and surrender.
You are not forgotten.
You are not without hope.
And your marriage story doesn’t have to end in silence.